


The Friend I Leave Behind for You

by WeissGrayBlu



Category: Free!
Genre: Character Death, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Sex, Visions in dreams, Wet Dream
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-27
Updated: 2020-07-27
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:28:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25543642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WeissGrayBlu/pseuds/WeissGrayBlu
Summary: After three months of drowning in misery, Haru wakes up to an unexpected visitor in his house who pushes him past his breaking point to finally begin to heal.
Relationships: Matsuoka Rin/Nanase Haruka, Nanase Haruka & Yamazaki Sousuke
Comments: 4
Kudos: 29





	The Friend I Leave Behind for You

_Haru was standing in his kitchen, the mackerel already out on the counter with the smell of steamed rice wafting from the plugged-in appliance to the side. Everything was already prepared, making it even easier to create his favourite meal._

_The sudden scoff from beside him didn’t startle him, Haru already expecting the familiar tone that sent sharp pains stabbing through his chest. He quickly turned his head to see Rin’s achingly familiar body standing beside him. His mahogany hair tied back like he had just come back from a run, not a stretch since he was also wearing his favourite jogging pants and jacket._

_Haru swallowed the tears in his throat and acknowledged Rin instead. He didn’t want to waste whatever this was on being sad. He spent all the rest of his time being miserable anyways, so he wanted to be greedy and indulge this minor reprieve._

_“Mackerel again? It never mattered what I wanted to eat, did it?” Rin asked, not sounding at all annoyed but instead smiling that sharp smile of his._

_Haru wanted to kiss it._

_He rolled his eyes instead, like he always did whenever Rin complained about his diet choices._

_“We sure did argue about a lot of stupid things, didn’t we?” Rin continued, referring to their reoccurring argument over dinner among the other trivial things they used to compete over, locking his eyes onto Haru who was now completely turned towards Rin; he didn’t want to take his eyes off of him._

_“I would never eat mackerel again, if…” Haru let his words fade out, watching Rin’s eyes turn sad like he remembered them being, Rin always was a crybaby._

_Rin stepped closer, the two of them now in each other’s personal space._

_Haru gripped the front of Rin’s jacket and pulled him aggressively into his body until their lips mashed together. Haru didn’t want to hear Rin’s reassurances that he knew Haru would give up mackerel—give up anything—to have their old life back. He didn’t want to talk out the grief or loss or emptiness Haru felt every waking hour for the past three months._

_Instead, Haru kissed Rin fiercely, feeling the tang of their old love on his lips. It was still so fresh in his mind but wasn’t enough without the real thing. Rin was irreplaceable, and the two men in this dreamscape knew that. But Haru persisted anyways, going so far as to pushing Rin back into the counter and never letting loose their lips until the soft beeping behind him on the rice maker stirred his consciousness._

_~~_

Haru woke up in his regular bed to the sound of his beeping alarm, the absence of the smell of mackerel, and more pressingly, the absence of Rin’s lips on his, piercing through him until he was curled tightly into a ball in the middle of their bed.

The perk of being a lucid dreamer was that he could give himself what he really, truly wanted for the brief hours he managed to sleep deeply enough to go into REM sleep. But it was never enough to completely delude himself that Rin wasn’t there.

Rin had died three months ago. A car accident where someone had t-boned right into him while he was going through a green light. In an instant, Rin was gone. With a phone call, Haru had sunk into a deep debilitating depression.

He laid like that until the alarm somehow gave up on itself and shut off, probably some sort of time limit. Haru wanted to throw the thing out the window, hating that it pulled him out of his dreams each night whenever he was lucky enough to be with Rin. But the stupid thing had been Rin’s, and like everything else in Haru’s life that was Rin’s, Haru couldn’t bring himself to get rid of it.

After his stomach started to rumble he heard the telltale signs of someone coming in through the backdoor downstairs. He figured it was Makoto, this being their daily routine that his best friend would come and make sure that Haru at least got out of bed and ate. It was a sad existence for the both of them, but Haru couldn’t make himself be any better than this shelled-out version of himself. Rin was always the one who brought Haru to life, pushed him to do things he wouldn’t otherwise do, and now Rin was gone.

So Haru didn’t stir while he listened to the person climb the stairs rather quickly to open his bedroom door.

“Shit, Nanase, you’re an even bigger pathetic mess than I thought,” the blunt voice of Yamazaki Sousuke startled Haru enough for him to drag the covers from over his face and to turn until he confirmed that yes, Rin’s best friend—ex-best friend— was standing in his bedroom door giving him the most judgemental scowl he had ever seen.

Haru couldn’t feel enough to be self-conscious, but he did sense the flickering buzz of annoyance for Yamazaki’s unwanted presence. Haru’s annoyance however didn’t seem to have any influence on Yamazaki being there who instead stole Haru’s blankets and took them with him on his way back down the stairs.

Now Haru was pissed and put on a hoodie and Rin’s old jogging pants on his way down to kick Yamazaki out of his house. But again, the stubborn man sat himself down at the low table after dumping Haru’s comforter in the wash like he was waiting to be served breakfast.

Haru’s brief surge of frustration sputtered out as quickly as it had come and so Haru chose to make breakfast if not for the sheer fact that he wouldn’t let this venture out of bed be a complete waste of his energy.

“Why are you here?” Haru asked miserably, still annoyed by Yamazaki’s imposing presence.

He went through the motions of making breakfast, still not knowing if he was going to eat the rice and mackerel he was cooking or not. But he could always put it away to be heated up later.

“Matsuoka-san told me you were still coming around for brunch like you used to do with Rin. She said pretty bluntly that I should come over here and check-in on you since it would be what Rin wanted,” Yamazaki shrugged, Haru scowling at him since he didn’t need a babysitter even if he knew that was what the others called Makoto at times.

It wasn’t like the two of them had gotten along well when Rin was still here. And it wasn’t something he wanted to come about at the loss of his fiancée. Rin’s death wasn’t worth some grief-stricken friendship with someone who used to threaten him that he was holding Rin back.

~~

_Haru waited on the familiar doorstep with warm take-out bags on each of his arms. He had stopped at Rin’s favourite shop since Haru was never keen on deciding what other people wanted to eat when it didn’t involve mackerel._

_He heard the person behind the door walking towards him before it opened to reveal Rin’s mother. She had dark rings under her eyes, much like the ones Haru was used to seeing on himself in the mirror. Her chestnut hair was tied back off her face and Haru lost his breath seeing the similarities in her kind face as her late son’s._

_“Haruka! Oh thank god. I didn’t know if you would come today, but I couldn’t handle losing another son,” Miyako wept immediately before beckoning Haru into the Matsuoka household._

_Gou’s voice carried from the kitchen before she appeared from the doorway and offered him a sad yet beaming smile. It was definitely a Matsuoka family trait to be able to smile so beautifully while being so sad._

_Haru was overwhelmed, not expecting such a welcome to his unexpected visit. Before Rin’s accident, it had been Haru’s idea to come here every Sunday to have brunch with Miyako and Gou. Rin had been notoriously bad at keeping in touch with his family, so it was something Haru took upon himself. He had been uneasy getting ready that morning and buying the food since he knew they wouldn’t be expecting him the first Sunday after Rin’s funeral. Haru hurt so much but knew that Rin would be so disappointed in him if he didn’t watch out for his mother and sister in his stead. Plus, Haru loved them as his own family and would let them make the decision if Haru being around was too painful._

_“Haru-nii-chan! You brought food when we already made brunch!” Gou lightly chastised him, taking the bags from his hands before adding his offerings to the already splendid array of home-cooked options._

_That morning had been painful, but it also wasn’t something Haru wanted to hide from. Seeing Rin’s picture beside his father’s also opened another gaping hole in his chest, another stark reminder of how he had lost the love of his life so senselessly. Haru also had a shrine at home, obviously. But he regarded that one more like Rin himself, treating the shrine at home as if Rin were sitting in the corner reading a book silently like he used to do. Since Haru was used to seeing Toraichi’s shrine and knowing what it signified, seeing Rin’s picture beside it was debilitating. But Haru managed to eat all of the food Miyako put on his plate and took the leftovers she boxed up for him in return._

_“We will see you next Sunday, Haruka. This was so nice,” Miyako bid him goodbye with fresh tears and a fierce hug before Haru set off back for his home._

_He sunk into the bathtub the minute he got home that afternoon and hadn’t risen until dinner, feeling a conflict of love and sorrow, family, and loss within himself that left him immobile._

~~

Haruka scowled at Yamazaki who didn’t same fazed at all. Haru supposed he wasn’t, but that didn’t lessen the amount he absolutely did not want to be here. But knowing that Rin’s best friend was as stubborn as Rin had been, and the fact that Haru had been cajoled all the way to the pool, he figured he wasn’t getting out of here until he at least got into the water.

Haru stripped his clothes at the side, not at all caring about putting them back in the changing room before he stood on the starting block. Without reminiscing about any of the times before that he had been on one, he dove into the awaiting water.

The sudden onslaught of memories and emotions that the water held however was overwhelming. Haru didn’t realise how much he had missed the feeling of water flowing over him as he cut his body through it with minimal resistance. The muscle memory of his body took over as he dolphin kicked up into free. He was an Olympic medalist after all, not that he so much cared about that accolade. He had only wanted to follow Rin and swim beside him and feel what it felt to be in that arena with him.

By the time he kicked off the opposite wall, the memories of Rin were in technicolour under the water. It was like the echo of Rin’s body was around Haru now but looking forward and around there was no trace of the usual brilliant glow Haru always felt when swimming with his fiancé. The absence of that wonderful feeling and the immediate realisation that he would never experience that again made him violently inhale, and of course that meant water getting into his lungs.

He struggled and flailed under the water, a sudden primal fear filling his veins, however it didn’t last as long as he assumed. Suddenly, a pair of strong arms were around him, lifting him up so he could breathe air and not water while he meekly thrashed to get free.

“Come on, Nanase. I’ve got you. That’s enough for today,” Yamazaki spoke behind him before he swam on his back and guided Haru to the wall like he was so defenseless.

Considering his body was still violently trying to get all the water out of his lungs, he guessed he might actually be and finally gave into Yamazaki’s help.

Yamazaki carried him towards the changing room where he guided him to a vacant bench. Thankfully at this time the natatorium was mostly empty so there was no one around except for Rin’s best friend to witness Haru come undone like an empty house of cards.

~~

_Haru rolled over and threw his arm over the warm body laying beside him. Rin always ran so hot while he often complained how cold Haru’s body felt. But neither of them complained as they came together in the middle and Haru started furtively drawing his hands over Rin’s bare skin._

_Rin moaned when Haru’s hands drew to his hips and Haru’s eyes shot open to watch his lover bite his bottom lip and inch closer until Haru felt the first signs of Rin’s arousal._

_When Haru pushed all the way in and looked down to see Rin tearing up, he sucked in his breath thinking he had hurt Rin. He hadn’t made that sort of mistake since they first got together, and he knew he had prepared Rin well. He had wanted to savour this moment and Rin’s body and knew that he had done everything right; so why was Rin crying?_

_“You know I didn’t want to leave you, right? I promised I would never do that again and now I can’t—” Haru broke him off with a kiss and a well aimed thrust that had Rin moaning unceremoniously into his mouth._

_“Just be with me, Rin,” Haru pleaded into him, tasting the tears that tasted far too real for this to just be a wet dream._

_Haru thrust back into Rin, again and again, hitting Rin’s prostate and reducing him into a quivering mess beneath him. It had admittedly taken a lot of practice for them to get to know each other like this, but they had never minded all the training and experimenting during their youth._

_Haru could feel the intense coiling in his stomach and suddenly he felt his own tears brim his eyes uncharacteristically. Whereas Rin had cried many times during sex, mostly out of love and passion and just for the fact that Rin got overwhelmed so easily, Haru never had._

_Rin reached his hand up tenderly despite that fact that Haru was ruthlessly drilling into him. At his touch, Haru immediately froze in his movements, Rin whining but then biting his tongue to lock eyes with Haru. They both knew why he had stopped even though it was something he would never do unless Rin asked him to._

_“I don’t want to wake up yet,” Haru whispered desperately._

_The closeness he hadn’t felt in months was overwhelming him now. He knew he would never have it this good again, even if he could ever convince himself to move on. That thought made him sick and nausea was not conducive to keeping him hard inside his lover._

_“Make love to me, Haru. We’ll do it at the same time,” Rin urged him almost like Haru hadn’t spoken, but the deep sadness in Rin’s eyes told him he had._

_Haru started his pace up slowly, languidly until he was fully hard again. Despite his despair and longing, he couldn’t deny himself the full effect of being inside Rin and making love to him as he so put it._

_“I—I’m close,” Haru cried, his tears dripping onto Rin’s face below him._

_The two of them held each other’s gaze, not daring to avert their eyes and miss the expressions they made. Rin was so beautiful and always looked exquisite when he let himself go under Haru._

_“Haru, Haru. HARU!” Rin chanted, Haru biting his tongue and widening his eyes to clear them of the tears so he could stare at Rin as they both climaxed together._

_They both kept their eyes open as long as they could, watching each other’s high and how beautiful they each looked. When Haru’s eyes became too watery again, he blinked reflexively and when his eyes reopened, he was alone amongst his wet sheets._

_~~_

When Yamazaki trespassed into his house the following morning he found Haru loading the washing machine with his bedsheets again.

“Ready to try again today?” Yamazaki asked knowing Haru didn’t need anymore context than that.

Any grief counsellor or psychologist would not advise such a ruthless tactic for dealing with loss but neither men knew how to cope any other way. Both of them knew that without Yamazaki’s brash pushing that Haru would still be slowly killing himself upstairs in the bed he used to share with Rin. Haru felt he had nothing left to live for when his future, dreams and love had all died without him in that intersection.

Yamazaki knew that Makoto’s patient care had been ineffective thus far, having found what Haru looked like three months after the funeral with everyone giving him such a wide birth. Much like Rin, Yamazaki wasn’t good at being delicate or sensitive or cautious. The ex-swimmer had his own scars and wounds and grief and somehow forcing Rin’s fiancée into a pool the day after he almost drowned himself from the horror of feeling the water without Rin in it seemed like the right thing to do for everyone involved—just so long as they didn’t admit it to Makoto or Miyako.

Haru followed blindly this time and didn’t say a word as both men made it to the pool. Sousuke watched from the sidelines as the grieving man stood beside the starting block for several minutes resembling the presence of a ghost. He didn’t know if the other man would actually work up the nerve to jump in after what happened yesterday, but something seemed to snap into place the moment Haru decided to move.

Haru suddenly stepped onto the starting block and like yesterday didn’t contemplate the other memories of standing on hundreds of other blocks in various other countries. Instead he jumped in with some effort, feeling the stiffness in his joints from several months of lying in bed and not training.

Like yesterday, the visions of Rin floored him almost to a stop, but thankfully this time he had the forethought not to inhale any water. This time he kept himself submerged and made himself feel the connection like he did with his dreams. He wouldn’t hide away from any feeling he got that reminded him of his lost love and instead felt the misery alongside the yearning.

~~

_“Rin, why are we here?” Haru asked with his usual tone of annoyance._

_As much as he loved being in and around a pool, breaking and entering into Iwatobi Swim Club seemed to be too much effort when they both had passes they could use to come back in the morning. They had since swam in more beautiful and impressive pools all around the world but neither of them would ever say that any pool felt the same as Iwatobi._

_Rin scoffed at him as if Haru was being extra exasperating and beckoned Haru inside once he got the back entrance opened._

_The natatorium reminded Haru of the night he had discovered that Rin had come back from Australia. He didn’t particularly count that as one of his good memories, but he had since put to rest any anguish he felt over that night._

_All he had to do was look over at the redhead who was never too far from Haru’s side these days. They were both training in Japan now and had been living together for over a year. Rin hadn’t stopped chasing after the world, but he had slowed down in a way where he made sure to savour the moments instead of always chasing after the next one. He also made sure he went slow enough to pull Haru along for the ride because they were both realising how much better moments were when it was the two of them together._

_“Haru—” Rin paused sounding suddenly nervous and Haru felt irked that breaking and entering was now crossing Rin’s mind as something to be weary of._

_But standing together in the natatorium, Haru having already stripped down to his jammers, Rin wore an expression Haru had never seen before and couldn’t quite piece together._

_Haru’s skin itched to jump into the pool because then this whole venture wouldn’t be quite so bothersome but something in Rin’s voice made Haru stop to listen intently._

_“I am so in love with you, Haru,” Rin’s voice caught and already tears started gliding down his face._

_Haru frowned, moving closer to Rin to wipe the tears away. Rin had gotten somewhat better with expressing his emotions which meant that he didn’t usually cry this easily these days. Plus, since Rin was much more expressive, he told Haru he loved him multiple times per day without any waterworks so Haru puzzled over this before turning completely shocked when Rin gripped his hand tightly and moved to get down onto one knee._

_“Twelve-year-old me might have been one of the smartest versions of myself to have made sure I latched onto you and never let go. I know I have made so many mistakes since then and I’m afraid I’m prone to make hundreds more, but there’s no way I’m letting you get away, Nanase. Will you marry me, Haruka?”_

_Haru froze under that crimson gaze that shone under the glittering light coming in through the starlit windows. In almost the exact spot Rin had tracked him down and pushed him to become teammates all those years ago, Rin was once again demanding that Haru go along with him for the ride. Haru had quite a different answer this time._

_“Yes, Matsuoka. I will marry you, Rin.”_

_~~_

Haru made it an entire length and back before he surfaced at the wall and inhaled the air deeply. Fresh tears were rolling down his face, but he had made it all the way without freezing, sinking, or drowning. He pulled down his goggles that had fogged up with his tears and didn’t care that he would probably garner the attention of the swimmers around him.

Annoyingly, Yamazaki appeared above him, standing at the side of the pool at the end of his lane. He had his jammers on but given that he was still dry he had obviously been watching Haru instead of jumping in himself.

“Go again?” was all he asked, not giving attention to how emotional Haru had become.

But they both knew that this was the whole point. Haru had been a miserable, self-destructing mess up in his bedroom, curling in on himself each and every day. But he hadn’t let any of his grief or agony out. In a few short days, Yamazaki had gotten him to sob wildly, to let go so much that it nearly swallowed him up and drowned him, but maybe that was what he needed to do.

Losing Rin was impossible, dealing with it was incomprehensible. If Haru made it out alive he felt it would be a miracle. But that’s what everyone wanted right? Miyako and Gou had been so relieved to see him show up for that first brunch alone and all the ones after. Rei, Nagisa and Makoto had dutifully been coming over to make sure he’d be fed and bathed enough to stay healthy. And Rin—Rin would be alive if he could be and would never forgive himself for the grief he’s bestowed onto Haru. He would never wish for Haru to share his fate and would be absolutely livid with Haru for turning his back on the entire world. They had worked so hard for the life they had and had been proud for how it turned out.

It was pure agony to realise he needed to readjust his entire life to fit around having Rin removed from it. But maybe exactly what Rin would do for him was push Yamazaki onto him. The two Sano boys had been by each other’s side their whole lives and Haru had stubbornly refused to see the appeal. But here the brooding man was, pushing Haru way past his limits but surprisingly catching him when he dropped. He wasn’t at all who Haru wanted—but maybe he was who he needed. He wouldn’t call him a friend and didn’t want to find any other suitable title since it was too much effort. But maybe because he was important to Rin, that was enough.

“Sousuke—” Haru said, extending his arm up for the other man to pull him up out of the pool.

Sousuke nodded and pulled Haru up out of the pool. Without any other interaction they fell into an understanding and moved one foot in front of the other until they both approached their own starting blocks, and they went again.


End file.
